Jul
11

If the Rangers were Avengers…

July 11, 2018, by

It’s the summer. The draft and free agency are behind us. The Rangers look like they aren’t going to be big players on the trade market. Infinity War hit theaters. Ant Man and The Wasp hit theaters. There is no better time to have some fun. Much like how we compared the Rangers to Game of Thrones characters, let’s see who our heroes would be if they were, well, heroes.

Spoiler warning: There are some minor plot points that will be discussed here. I’m assuming if you haven’t seen Infinity War by now, you won’t. As of the writing of this post, I haven’t seen Ant Man and The Wasp, so that won’t be discussed here. DO NOT POST SPOILERS FOR THAT MOVIE IN THE COMMENTS.

Iron Man

Billionaire philanthropist playboy.

Duh, Henrik Lundqvist.

Spider Man

The kid that just wants a spot on the team. He has so much potential, won’t someone give him a consistent shot?

Another easy one: Pavel Buchnevich.

Captain America

The old man on the team. Loyal to a fault. Always sacrifices himself and his body for the betterment of the team. Viewed as a leader. Probably going to die in the next movie.

The oldest guy on the team. Probably the next big contract casualty. Only has one eye left. Marc Staal.

Disclaimer: Cyclops is not in the Avengers (at least for the movies).

Black Widow

The under appreciated Avenger. Very smart with the team, always out to assist others. Yet for some reason, people forget her as an important cog that makes the Avengers tick.

Another under appreciated Rangers – Kevin Hayes, just minus the stoned look. Everyone forgets how important he is to the on-ice success of his lines because he looks like he’s high 24/7.

Black Panther

The King of Wakanda. Suit of vibranium. Very smart sister.

The only other king on the roster is Henrik Lundqvist. He also wears a suit of armor. And his sister is in finance. I’m cheating here.

The Hulk

Hulk Smash. Hulk fast. Hulk beat people up. But Bruce Banner is a super genius.

Chris Kreider. Do you really need an explanation here? Oh – the super genius part? Kreider speaks Russian. He’s also figured out the physics behind jumping out of a pool.

Hawkeye

A. Pretty useless. For some reason everyone hates him. Until he becomes Ronin (probably).

Well, everyone seems to hate Anthony DeAngelo, and he seems to be a pretty useless throw-in last summer in the Derek Stepan trade. But if he figures it out, watch out.

B. A legitimate sniper with his bow and arrow. Can put his arrows where he wants, when he wants, and always hits his target.

Mika Zibanejad is the only sniper on the team.

Ant Man

A late recuit. Known for being tiny, but can be big when he wants to be. His friends are never around when he needs them in his own movies.

This is easily Mats Zuccarello. He’s small, but can play big when he needs to. Plus all his friends are never around because they keep getting traded.

War Machine

The trusty side kick. Isn’t particularly special at any one thing, but is in the right place at the right time, for the most part. Is the rare mix of under appreciated and overrated at the same time.

There’s one Ranger who was on the ice for 90% of the playoff OT winners from 2014-2015. He’s both overrated as a top-six forward by some and under appreciated as a fourth liner by others. That player is Jesper Fast.

Dr. Strange

The wizard. Can manipulate time and space. Has tremendous vision.

The wizard on the blue line put a 40 point pace on one knee with a ::shrug:: defensive system in place. Kevin Shattenkirk, but this is admittedly a stretch because of the hair, or lack thereof.

Thor

The God of Thunder. The man who will likely lead the Avengers once the MCU probably kills off Captain America and has Iron Man retire. He has come into his own as the guy who will lead them to the promised land.

Ok this is definitely a stretch, but I think Brady Skjei is going to be that guy for the Rangers.

Star Lord

The reason why “the snap” happened.

Brendan Smith – the reason why last year was awful, at least according to a vocal few.

Gamora

Baddie turned good. The sacrificial lamb for Thanos, the true evil.

JT Miller – again a vocal few hated him until he was traded and sacrificed as part of the Ryan McDonagh trade.

Drax The Destroyer

Another one who kind of ruins it for everyone by acting and then thinking. But when he connects, boy does it work. A bit of an enigma.

Vlad Namestnikov is Russian, and therefore an enigma. When he’s on, boy is he on.

Rocket

Great inventor. Needs a weapon or some help to be useful in a fight.

Jimmy Vesey is pretty good when he has some help.

Groot

Can only say three words. Now has an attitude problem as a troubled teenager.

Lias Andersson and his darn medal throwing.

Categories : Offseason

22 comments

  1. Richter1994 says:

    I would like to be the Hulk so I could smash Tom Wilson’s face.

    Is this politically correct? Do I need anger management therapy?

    • Andy says:

      I’d like to see that…

    • Mintgecko says:

      Shiiet I’m waiting for Kreider to play like Hulk for 3 months straight so maybe he can do that. I would go after James Neal, he’s 10x more dirty than Wilson. The 2012 playoffs was a series that I’ll never forget with him head hunting Coots and Giroux in the same shift. Wilson has never rubbed me the wrong way, he’s a fair forechecker 8/10 times and that’s due to how tall he is so sometimes his hits look a bit high. That Marchessault hit was 100% clean though, the guy was fair game.

      • Richter1994 says:

        I want Kreider to be physical, but I don’t think that it benefits anyone for him to be their enforcer.

    • Rocky Balboa says:

      Full rebuild my friend…Many season ticket holders not enticed…….I am all in on this rebuild…….

      • Richter1994 says:

        “I am all in on this rebuild…….”

        But you’re not a season ticket holder, lol.

  2. Pas44 says:

    Awesome stuff Dave, really great!

    LGR!!!!

  3. Peter says:

    If the Rangers were the Avengners: the Hulk would have more penalty minutes than the other 30 teams combined!

  4. John B says:

    If the Rangers had the Hulk, there would still be a vocal segement in the comments section saying he’s too soft and not physical enough.

    • Mintgecko says:

      But we’re talking about Kreider who doesn’t like to play to his strengths. I’m not about to hold my breathe for the Hulk comparison because Kreider is pretty soft. He doesn’t give off the Cally’s heart and soul onto the ice or have the MSG crowd chanting his name like Sean Avery. It would have been a fitting comparison if he played like that but he doesn’t and right now he’s more soft than Mike Richards who use to go into his checks at about 2 mph.

      • Blue Seat says:

        Agree Kreider plays soft to us. But don’t remember opponents given him crushing hits, getting in his face or challenging him.

        • Mintgecko says:

          What is your point though? Just because someone doesn’t step up to you doesn’t mean you’re still not a scared chump. Everyone gets bullied on the ice and that’s fact. Simmonds gets challenged by Gallahger, so what does that mean? Zucc tried to play a agitator role and barley gets noticed from it against guys who triple in his size and weight. I think the last time someone said enough to his nonsense was back in 2013 against Ottawa with Chris Neil. Hayes barley gets any attention besides his altercation with Brian Boyle and Tyler Johnson. Does that mean nobody wants any part of him?

          People will start worry about getting Kreider off the ice when he learns how to be affective like Holmstrom or Franzen down low in the OZ. Player’s go after skilled names or goat other’ s with a edge to them because they can sucker them into taking a penalty. Kreids meanwhile is extremely fast and powerful but that’s the cutoff line to how useful it is to get under his skin. I’d say running Hank over and the dozen of cheap shots to captain Mcd was a good indicator of other teams testing him. When John Giannone is reporting Ovi or Jammie Benn laughing at the Ranger bench as they skate by is another example of how scared players are of his presence. He’s grouped in with the scared Rangers narrative, it was probably AV’ s pitch to sign Glass for 3 years.

    • Richter1994 says:

      Snap!!

  5. tanto says:

    I guess Gorton is Nick Fury and Glen Sather is Alexander Pierce?! lol

  6. 1994 ever says:

    Have officially “jumped the shark” with today’s article.
    Look it up if you don’t understand…

  7. Al Hirschen says:

    No they would be like bWo … the blue World order

  8. Blue Seat says:

    As Rangers are knocked off their skates, the aggressors are hoping Kreider goes after them.

    • Rocky Balboa says:

      We all know this team will not be the Vanilla Vigneaults anymore, but we cannot have Kreider loading up on penalty minutes either…With that being said, I’d like to see Kreider ride Tom Wilson into the Olive Garden on 49th st!