Sep
05

Which Ranger would win the major reality TV competitions?

September 5, 2017, by

The obvious choice for many of these

The premise is simple: if all the Rangers were cast as competitors in the major reality TV show competitions, who would come out on top? Yep, I realize this is silly – but we’re at that point in the summer. Here goes!

American Ninja WarriorChris Kreider is a little tall for a typical ninja, but he’s a physical freak of nature. He has upper body strength for days and should be able to beast his way through most of the obstacles.

Survivor – While the Wisconsin and Beantown alliances would be formidable foes and strategically eliminate most of the top contenders until their inevitable showdown, Mats Zuccarello would skate to a classic under the radar victory. He’s small, unassuming, unintimidating and nice to everyone. Zuke is the classic “wait, how is he still in this thing?” guy that outwits, outlasts and outplays his competition.

Ink MasterMichael Grabner is covered in tattoos, so if he’d have the inside track on this one. But can he actually operate a tattoo gun?

Man vs. Wild – If there’s one guy that could successfully take Bear Grylls’ job, it has to be J.T. Miller. He’s an avid outdoorsman, although his actual skill level is an open question according to Kevin Hayes.

The Bachelorette – This is the surest bet of them all. Of course Henrik Lundqvist would win this going away. If the producers were smart, they’d hold him out of the show until the later rounds to give everyone else a chance and then introduce the ultimate trump card.

The Amazing Race – The duo of Ryan McDonagh and Brady Skjei has spent the summer training together and brings a nice mix of strength and speed to the table. Better yet, McDonagh is an established leader and Skjei seems content to take a back seat and follow in his captain’s footsteps, which is crucial for a competition based on teamwork like this.

Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? – Kreider speaks five languages including Russian and Spanish, plays the piano and brings his Kindle on road trips to read Hemingway. Despite his imposing strength and size, he’s consistently been referred to as the nerd of the locker room. In fact, he supposedly had the opportunity to go to Yale or Harvard but chose to play hockey at BC. This would be a cakewalk.

WFAN’s Fantasy Phenom – If you’ve heard Hayes on Spittin’ Chiclets, then you know the man call tell a story. He’s a fun-loving guy and it comes through whenever he’s not giving a cliche-filled postgame interview and talking more about his off-ice life.

Top Chef – I don’t think many Blueshirts are spending much time in the kitchen, but apparently David Desharnais has a strong interest in the culinary arts. If he can do anything beyond pouring milk in cereal, he probably has this in the bag.

Dancing With the Stars – The field here opened up with Kevin Klein’s retirement, for he would have coasted to the crown. Grabner skates with uncanny grace, leading me to believe he’d make a strong run. But in the end, this is another one that clearly goes in The King’s column.

America’s Got Talent – DJ ZBad would undoubtedly get Simon Cowell, Mel B, Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel and Tyra Banks up out of their seats with his fire mixes on the turntables.

Project Runway – Yet another easy W for Lundqvist.

Feat Factor – With a limited English vocabulary, Pavel Buchnevich has the advantage of not being able to fully understand what he’s in for, thus avoiding the dread for what comes next. Plus, there were a couple hilarious sequences on The A.V. Squad this year where Buchnevich happily put on a show for his new teammates as he tried to earn laughs. Eating a few gross bugs seems like a small price to pay.


Comment below with your picks!

"Which Ranger would win the major reality TV competitions?", 4 out of 5 based on 7 ratings.
Categories : Offseason

4 comments

  1. Michael says:

    You’re forgetting Vesey for Who Wants to be a Millionaire

  2. Mintgecko says:

    Hayes has cliche filled post game interviews? I think you’re getting mixed up with that guy that JG cast away to the desert last month while Hayes would actually talk about hockey in his past interviews.

    Ps Kreider wouldn’t be able to handle America Ninja Warrior but both him and Zucc would be prime candidates for that MTV show called the Challenge.

  3. amy says:

    mats would win the challenge on MTV

  4. Richter1994 says:

    In other news, adding Leetch and Brad Richards to the front office to assist Gorton is a good move IMO.