This is what happens to you when you play beer league
Last night, we saw the Rangers nine game win streak come to an end. It was a bit ugly and frustrating, but whatever. It’s hard to complain about winning nine of ten (note: analyzing is not complaining). Since it’s Friday afternoon before a holiday week, and we will be right back to the grind tomorrow night, I thought I’d bring some levity to your last work day.
There has been tons or articles over the past couple years highlighting the different archetypes of beer league players (seriously, Google it), but I have never seen one from a goalie’s perspective. If you’re a beer league player, laugh and nod your head along with me, if not, just a quick glimpse of what you are getting into if you decide to lace ‘em up with some of the game’s finest.
The Warm-up Hero
This is one of my all-time favorites. During warm-ups, all goalies want to do is feel the puck, track laterally a little and work up a sweat. This bender comes through the top of the zone full speed, sniping corners. Occasionally, he will even deke. He’s one bar-down shot away from a full-blown celly. This guy is the reason I don’t put my water bottle on the net until the game starts.
The Bomb
Generally the one skill this guy has. The Bomb, as I’m sure you can surmise, has a big slap shot. And he will use it from anywhere. Literally, anywhere. Top of the circles? Bomb. Low slot? Bomb. Impossible angle from the goal line? What else is there to do? If he has time to wind up, it’s coming in hot. Usually at your head.
The Screen
Usually one of the bigger bodies, but weaker skaters, this tyrant will park his giant derriere directly in a goalie’s line of sight. Very frequently on the power play. If you choose to be this guy, be very aware of the possibility that you will be on the business end of a large twig to your knees, feet or if you are really obnoxious, right up between the breezers. The Screen wouldn’t be The Screen unless he flagrantly overreacts to the slightest contact from the tender, even though he has parked the bus in your front yard.
The Bar-down
One of the more tolerable on this list. This guy probably played Junior C or club college somewhere, and just feels the need not only to beat the goalie, but humiliate them with a highlight reel snipe off the bar. Prone to temper tantrums when he is stopped or actually hits the post, he is very easy to predict as he shoots high glove every single time. Make sure you have a well made mask for the (often) times he misses.
The Grizzled Vet
This beauty is generally the best player on your team. He probably played Division 1 or Major Junior back in the day, but fell just short of his dream. Almost always a great guy, the problem is he is half in the bag by the second period when the entire bench is looking for him to make something happen. With the Labatt IV flowing through his veins, I can’t help but imagine Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” on loop in his head every time he stumbles back to the bench.
The Apology
Oh, The Apology. Usually one of the nicest guys on the team, he usually believes he can play defense when he should be hidden at wing on the third line. He floats in front of the net in the general vicinity of the opposing forward, but when he inevitably blows his coverage for a net-front tap in, he is the first to take the blame. The problem is, it gets a little old by the fourth or fifth time it happens.
The Socialist
Typically the captain, this guy believes that everyone paid the same, so everyone gets the same amount of ice. He doesn’t say anything when the third line soaks up an entire 2:00 5-on-3 in a one goal game, and doesn’t load up his best guys when the game is on the line. You just wait and hope things are different come playoff time…
Up The Middle
Don’t worry about that winger waiting patiently for the simple, correct breakout pass thirty feet away. Let’s instead try to force the puck to the center coming out of double coverage in the neutral zone. Wait, you telegraphed it so bad that the forechecking winger picked the pass off before it even left the zone? Now it’s in the back of my net? Perfect. Don’t beat yourself up about it, that one’s on me.
The Hanger
This guy will sit between the red and offensive blue line during any situation. His team pinned down in his own zone? Someone has to pick up the lose puck when it is inevitably cleared. Up 9-2 in an October regular season game? Website stats count the same in October as they do in March. The beauty of the Hanger is that he can be a chameleon. Chances are he has already endeared himself to your earlier in the game by doubling as The Bomb or the Bar-Down.
The Imposter
This guy shows up to the rink and doesn’t know anyone. He usually comes off a 382 person email sub-list. You try and size him up. Well, he has all pro-level gear and a bucket and pants with European-style advertising on them. He’s got beefy shin pads and has that look of an ex-pro. But, he’s not. He floats around the neutral zone making short passes, fakes shots and never really exerts himself. He changes quickly, seemingly hoping no one will notice his rouse. Dude, everyone knows.
I hope you enjoyed this list and maybe recognized a buddy or two in there. If you can think of anyone I missed, make sure to drop a description in the comments. Have a great weekend and Thanksgiving, BSB’ers!
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